Perfection and Other Impossibilities
by LeviosaLove
Summary: She's so many things: Friend. Lover. Prefect. Bookworm. Little Miss Perfect. Hermione Granger. But the one thing no one seems to realize is that she's also human. Inside her brilliant, turbulent mind, words, spoken and unspoken, torment her, and she as she helps to save it, she questions her world and herself...
1. Chapter 1

**"Don't you realize** that every thoughtless comment little comment matters so much to me that I can't sleep at night for wondering? Everything you ever said to me, I have scrutinized, searched, examined and picked apart, searching for some hidden meaning, for even a scrap of hope that you might feel the same way I do. But you never once think about that, do you? Why the hell do I even bother loving you?"

This is what I'm screaming in my head every time I see the boy who is one of my best friends. Do I sound crazy? Well, yeah. But if you knew him, and how infuriatingly clueless he is, you would too. Ronald Weasley is the person I hate most. But he's also my true love, and my best friend.

I suffer from insomnia, but it's not medical. I stay awake, replaying and re-working conversations and arguments that I had or didn't have. I always play out about a thousand what-if's in my head, and I can talk myself in or out of anything. Anything, it seems, except Ron. It's not logical, it's irrational, and it's never going to come to anything. But it's the most I've ever **felt** before in my life, and it's driving me mad.

A/N Read and Review, please! Be honest. Rated K+ for some violence and a few slip-ups language-wise, but nothing…Well, you know. Should I change it? Will Update as soon as I can! Please review!

Edit: OK! I'm, back, and I'll try not to wimp out on you guys this time! Sorry :/


	2. Chapter 2

Disclaimer: The Wonderful World of Harry Potter belongs solely to JK Rowling.

Do you ever feel like succeeding just makes it worse when you finally fail?

100,100,100,100,100,100,100,100,100,100,100,100,100,100

99

All my life, I've struggled to be the best that I could be, and I am never perfect.

And I can't accept that.

I just can't.

I hate being taken advantage of.

I hate that I let it happen.

"It's nice to be methodical

Till all the work is gone

But in the end the pragmatist

Is just the dreamer's pawn."

The dreamer's pawn.

I hate chess.

A/N: Sorry if that was confusing, I'm feverish and hyper. :) Train of thought-like writing: Tell me what you think. Thanks for reading! It means a lot!


	3. Chapter 3

The day I slapped Draco Malfoy,

something broke inside of me.

It wasn't him.

It was the way the two people who

knew me best looked at me.

They didn't know me, I guess.

Telling them it wasn't worth it

All these years

Did they think I was weak?

How could they think

I wasn't angry too?

That I wouldn't give anything

To make them feel my pain.

But it wasn't worth it

_"You could have gotten us killed, or worse, expelled!"_

Vengeance isn't worth it.

He's not worth it.

But I realize now

Justice is worth it

Pride is worth it.

Doing what's right is worth it.

You are worth it

I am worth it.

What is_ it_, exactly?

Whatever it takes.

A/N: You, Readers, are worth it. (Reviews are worth it, too!) I'll be going back to story format soon ; bear with me and my line obsession. Thanks for reading!


	4. Chapter 4

Time was irrelevant. At least for a while. But it made me all the more aware of it. Ever since third year, time has been precious to me.

Third year was the worst. Harry and Ron were angry at me half the time, and the other times…

The Time Turner. Oh, how I loved that thing in the first weeks. It let me get to all my classes; what could be better than that? I should have known not to mess with time. It changed me, that thing. It twisted my thoughts, drove me to insanity. All the possibilities that were so impossible...

Every time I flipped it, thoughts, arguments, spells,theories, ideas,words and emotions jumped out at me, things I should have done but didn't things I did but shouldn't have done. It was nerve-wracking, keeping it all hush-hush, even from the two well-meaning idiots who kept prying. I wanted to tell them so badly, but what could I do?

The classes. Divination! Oh, that Trelawney is such an old fraud… Her class was imprecise, illogical, and… just awful. The other reason I hated it, the one I could never admit, not even to myself, was that it wasn't something you could learn in a book, or in a classroom. You had to be born with it... For the first time, I just didn't have what it took.

Being born with something... was always a tricky topic.

If anyone had taken the time, they would see that I was constantly close to tears. In a daze I wandered the halls, my mind in a million places at once. And it didn't help that one of those places was hours ago and hours ahead.

And then came Sirius, and I Flipped it. But there was so much more at stake than classes... Lives, including our own. We could have been seen! Messing with fate, fighting it, or was it fate for me to use the time-turner? Am I fated to wonder forever? Or is that just me?

When I turned it in, it was such a relief. I've learned the value of time, as well as friendship. It's not for wasting.

A/N: Not feeling that confident right now, please tell me if I should continue. Please Review! I will be starting a new HP story soon. Oops, forgot my disclaimer; All that you recognize belongs to the wonderful JK Rowling!


	5. Chapter 5

When the sorting hat put _**me**_ in **Gryffindor**,

_**I**_ was_** terrified**_.

(**They** _**(me**_) _wondered_ why it didn't put **_me_** in_ Ravenclaw_)

When the **troll** _walked_ in to the girls' bathroom,

_**I**_ was_** petrified**_.

(_**I**_ was so, so **angry** at _**myself**_ for not_ justifying_ its** choice**)

When **we** met** Fluffy** in the third-floor corridor,_** I**_ was _**scared**_ out of my _wits_,

(**But not quite…**)

When **we** faced the **devil's snare**, then the _chess game_, then the **fire** and the _bottles_,_** I**_ was _**afraid**_.

(First _knowledge_, then **advice**, then _**logic**_ and some _words_ and a **hug. **And '_**afraid**_' didn't _seem_ to **matter**.)

Then the end-of-year** feast** and some more _words_

"For _cool logic_ in the **face of fire**"

Then _**my**_ name

"_**Hermione Granger**_"

Then the end of the _**magic**_.

The over-the-summer _homework_,

The_** goodbyes**_,

And then the train departs from the station, **promising** to return next year.

**Promising** to take _**me**_ with it.

Then the _**story-telling**_ at what was once _**my**_ only** home**,

And the "That was **dangerous**!" 's

And the "Weren't you _**scared**_?!" 's

And most of all the "_How_ can_** you**_ **want** to go _**back**_?" 's.

What do you want me to say, _Mum_?

'Nope, I **wasn't** _**scared**_ at all!'

That would be a _**l i e**_…

What do you want me to do, _Dad_?

**Never** go back, _forget_ everything?

_**I**_ could** never**…

Because it's _**waving**_ a wand and _**lighting**_ a room,

It's learning to_** fly**_, on yes, a **broom**

And yes, it's **trolls** and it's **mayhem**

It's '_Mudblood_' and it's** 'Dark Lord'**

_Ravenclaw's_ diadem,

**Gryffindor's** sword,

It's the** strong**, **strong **_**friendships**_ that somehow

Run **deeper** than we_ know_,

It's the **righteously**_ recognized_ taking a _**bow**_

And the _**wicked**_ ones _brought_** low**

It's the** loyal** and the _guised_,

It's the **brave** and the _wise,_

It's _**Hogwarts**_,

And yes, it's _**my**_ **home**,

It's _**magic**_,

That _runs through__** my**_ **blood **and my **bones**

It's _**love, joy**_ and _**laughter,**_

And** blood**, _sweat _and _**tears**_

For _**Magic**_ means facing

**Death**, _darkness_ and_** fear**_

And _**this**_ **Gryffindor** _Mudblood's_ _**embracing**_

The **chance** to _return_ _**next year**_.

A/N: Whoa… What just happened? That was supposed to be a poem about the sorting! My first attempt at free-verse. I had an idea, and I wrote it, and I kept writing and it grew and… well, here it is!

Sorry about the long hiatus, I've gotten over my little identity crisis on FF. Plus, it's summer! Even though updates won't be too regular, know I'm not wimping out on you guys again. Did anyone catch the pattern to the bolding/italic/both? I actually had a reason, besides emphasis.

Love, Leviosa


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